Change is difficult for me, probably for many, but I see people around me who seem to flow so easily with changes while I fight tooth and nail to retain some semblance of what was (or what I thought it should be).
I officially began my photography business in August of 2007 with the website and blog starting up in March 2008. Those first several months were crazy and exhilarating all at once. I have always loved taking photos; capturing special moments for others has become a joy.
I’m kind of an all-or-nothing girl, so especially during those first few months I really had to make a conscious effort to limit my blog stalking (there are such fabulous photographers out there!). I can so easily get swept up with imaginings of attending this or that workshop, taking my photography in this direction or that, trying out this new thing or that new thing, keeping up with what little knowledge I glean about the industry…all in the name of improving my game.
There is nothing wrong with this. I do want to make the most of what I have been given. But so often, with my all-or-nothing tendencies, I charge full-steam ahead. I often don’t take time to lay my plans, my agenda, and my desires at the feet of Him who gave me what talent I have. I then often find myself devoid of joy as I’m striving to make the changes I think I want and avoid the changes that look uncomfortable, difficult or downright nasty.
Change blindsided me in September. My boys’ school schedule really didn’t look all that bad on paper – some extra driving, but really not that bad. What I never considered in looking at the schedule was the lack of consecutive work time I would have in between those drives. I’m not just talking photography “work”, but even household basics like laundry, cooking, cleaning; phone calls to catch up with friends, make needed appointments, organize church events, etc.
I was continuing with my usual daily life as wife, mom, keeper of a household, member of a church body, plus my photography business was growing. My eldest is not much for change either (go figure!) and every year the transition from one grade to the next is tough – new classroom, new teacher, new expectations, increased desk time and increased work. School mornings, afternoons and evenings can be really tiring (for both of us).
Needless to say, by the end of September, I was already wishing for June! I continued to find great joy in working with my photography clients, but I was often doing 1-3 sessions a week and hitting a brick wall in my attempts to carve out more than two hours of non-interrupted work time. Laundry was left in my washing machine more times than I care to count, my poor pups missed many a breakfast, but of greater consequence was the fact that I was multi-tasking so much to make use of every single minute that my relationships suffered. Oh, I really want to be there for my boys, not just in body but in spirit, heart, and mind too.
I left for Christmas vacation with half a thought of leaving all camera gear behind. I didn’t, but it took some days for me to look through the lens again.
The day after we arrived home, I did a little blog stalking and came across this post by photographer Davina Fear. I printed it and still re-read it. Wow. I didn’t want to just read it; I wanted to do it. So, I stepped back. I’ve started cutting back on those commitments that take my time but don’t help me fulfill and enjoy my priorities as a wife and as a mom . I’m charging more in my photography business. I’m also working less (3-4 sessions a month versus a week).
Is this change scary for me? Yes! And, yes, come June my schedule will change again. But I really do want to learn. I don’t want to repeat past mistakes when faced again with change.
I realize this is a much wordier post than usual – thanks for reading.
